By Amber Jones

Life is different in intentional community. You’ll see big differences between caring for one small family or your individual self and the level of accountability asked in a group full of needs and preferences that don’t always match yours. You’ll see sudden changes in your environment that either help or deter you, recruitment for causes that others care more about than you, and things you want but can’t have because of objections from neighbors. But, damn! Having the invites, collaborations, and diversity of resources is a huge boon for your sense of belonging and overall well-being. Be prepared going in, though. Here’s a list of some recurring quirks I notice in many residential communities:

Communal Food Storage: Our first tragedy of the commons. What is not seen for some time becomes entombed in the back of a refrigerator. Overly abundant tea stations get cluttered with unusable herbs and spices. Keep in mind, we all contribute to clutter at some point, but eventually someone will want a change, maybe urgently, perhaps aggressively. Bypass any and all aggression with your best effort. Try tackling the project as a form of yoga that you have the pleasure of participating in, making more efficient space through your service to shared spaces. Then, add it to a chore wheel. Your initiative will be rewarded in unexpected ways.

Free room: A pinnacle of success! The community that has an established area to move well-loved or “still good” items for reuse, up-cycling, home- or system-improvement often has a high quality of life. Keeping unwanted free stuff (trash) moved-along will become a challenge in our junk-abundant world. “One person’s trash is another’s treasure” is quite subjective and always applies to “free rooms” for better or worse. And maybe someday, you’ll be gifted that little yellow dress you wanted three years ago and you’ll be absolutely delighted to wear it in the talent show. Who gave it away, I wonder?

Domesticated non-human animals (Pets): Just as some people don’t enjoy the presence of young children, some feel triggered by the presence of pets or behaviors of animals that attract unwanted nuisance, poop and pee in shared outdoor spaces, or pose threats to local wildlife. Pets will always be a contentious issue that gets brought up at random points in your community journey even if you sign on to create a “pet-free” community. Get used to it. No group completely agrees about the management of four-leggeds or wings inside cages. Just look for common ground and make it work for a while.

Children: Same as pets? These two topics in one sentence will have people laughing at some point, but really, these two topics of contention have a lot of similarities. Kids will eventually do things that do not meet the needs of adults who think they’re “running the show.” Adults will eventually get annoyed, perhaps severely. Kids need advocates at the community level, but commonly this responsibility gets left to the parents who might already be overwhelmed with the commitments to their health and development. Community members should definitely go the extra mile to consider impacts to young and old. Be aware of your taboos, logistical hurdles, and your own selfishness. We’re all selfish, no shame or judgment there. It’s part of being human. Having kids is maybe the most natural part of community development but poses many obstacles in an overly individualistic society. This conversation also has no end. Most times a compromise is best.

Cleaning/clutter: Everyone has a different opinion of clean. I’ve lived in many communal spaces, managed my own community houses, and offered maid services for over 30 homes. Toilets, tubs, sinks, counters, floors, pantries, porches, and that place in the yard where all things go to mold are all ticking time bombs. If we can find pleasure in the process of providing ourselves peaceful, clean areas by cleaning them ourselves regardless of who contributed the most to their unkemptness, then things are super chill, but be prepared for chore wheels, rotating work, some version of occasionally doing the obnoxiously recurring work that no one wants to do.

Communication: Whether you’re adopting more hours in your schedule for email or taking notes at weekly meetings, you will be communicating more in COMMunity than the average cashier. It’s good for us, and we can accomplish bigger feats, but it can be a painful transition sometimes: saying something regrettable over text because someone felt hurt, being snubbed for taking an unpopular stance, being that person to revisit sensitive topics when you know other people are emotionally heightened. You’re not responsible for every typ’a way others feel! You can only do so much to cater to insecurity, fear, anger that is inevitable for the human experience. It’s not on you to do a dance for people with unmet needs for entertainment or drama. Learn to provide yourself empathy first, figure out what you really want, then communicate through the best avenue to accomplish your goals. Once you’re calm, request empathy face to face to unpack highly emotional content, giving yourself and others room to grow. Transform unwieldy emotional content into what you want to see and be willing to work to get it!

Community room/lodge/living room: This place might host meetings, gatherings, parties, and have resources like projector, drawing board, tables, and chairs. All these items are important for some functions and in the way of others. Be prepared to move and shift. Get savvy with tech whenever possible. You’ll likely have mundane work in the way of hosting that party, but more hands are around! Ask for what you want and be prepared to be amazed at how much you’re given. Think of answers for the question: “How can I help?” And always lend a hand when it’s your turn.

Name changes: Maybe this has already come up. Someone gets the idea that a name for a system or place in the community could be more accurate or better-loved with some tweaking. This is usually an uphill battle. Grab the snow shoes and ice pick ’cuz it’s a long journey to the top. You can make it though, you just need something called buy-in and unanimous consent. Go forth and conquer! Anything is possible!

Meetings: Go to them. Plan for them. Help people know what you care about through a clear request about your cause. You can facilitate meetings, write agendas for them, tell people they’re happening, tell people when you can not attend them. When we don’t participate at a steady level, “outsiders” happen. It’s easy to get behind-the-times and promote a lack of faith in governance structures. We know you’re tired and prefer to eat first. Bring a quiet snack, learn some hand gestures, bring proposals in writing, take on action steps, humbly look people in the eye, breathe deep, and speak in turn. It’s more fun than Facebook.

Amber Jones lives with her children Terra and River at East Blair Housing Cooperative in the Whiteaker Neighborhood of Eugene, Oregon (www.eastblairhousingcooperative.com), and is former site manager at Lost Valley Education and Event Center in nearby Dexter (lostvalley.org).